DREAM JOURNAL

May 30, 2024

I dreamt I got a job at a "My Little Pony" superstore

apparently there had once been My Little Pony stores, but over time the brand declined, so many of them had become all purpose stores that sold a bit of everything, but kept the MLP branding.

when I first arrived, my boss, a heavyset middle-aged woman with brown hair & wearing one of those blue vests like you'd see at Walmart, showed up to invite me in, & as we walked I told her about how I had liked ponies as a little kid, & getting a job here was a way for me to invite some magic & whimsy back into my life. In real life I never liked ponies much; I ended up with one or two toys as a kid, but nothing I was particularly attached to. this store had a rainbow on its exterior & had retained the older style of My Little Pony branding, like the animated pony media from the 80s.

my boss wasn't very talkative, but she seemed friendly enough. she showed me around & told me she'd help me find supplies for dusting the library section, which was filthy. to do that we passed through this area that was like a labyrinth of hanging clothes on racks to get to the "Walmart" style area of the superstore, & there she had me take some wipes off a shelf. something weird & absurd was printed on the packaging, but I don't remember it. this area was identical to a large store like a Walmart or Target, but in the area with the wipes, there were only a few barren shelves & a group of young guys eating together in the same space, which was a large, empty, white cafeteria. they were whispering. it was like monks in a refectory. my boss & I were keeping our voices down, I didn't know what would happen if I spoke louder, but it seemed like a taboo. I was confused by not having to buy the wipes to use them.

getting to my desk was like an Odyssey. on the way there, she smiled, suddenly becoming warmer in her demeanor, & showed me to magic rainbow stairs that led to a grand library. they were slippery and you were supposed to slide down them. she slid down ahead of me & I followed with some apprehension (the stairs did NOT look comfortable to slide down), but I only made it partway down because I saw someone standing menacingly at the bottom in a yellow mascot suit. it was probably supposed to be a pony, but it reminded me more of Big Bird from Sesame Street, & it was terrifying. I scrambled back up the stairs with it chasing me. I made it back to the top & the stairs came dislodged, nearly falling, & this broke the bridge between me & it. "it" took the long way around to get on the level where I was standing, & she had taken off the head of the suit & was walking away dejectedly. a different coworker told me meaningfully that "she likes to be alone." She walked to a wooden door in the side of a tree, covered in moss, & slammed it. it reminded me of a hobbit hole or somewhere gnomes would live. this is how I learned that some people lived inside the store. a friendly floating skull was hanging around outside her door & I could tell he wanted to give me a sidequest, but I really didn't feel like putting up with the shit of a floating skull that could talk. at some point I ended up at my desk, in the library.

it seemed like I could spend my time however I wanted. there was some rule about spending 7 hours doing something, but this could apparently include anything you personally deemed to be productive or meaningful. I was elated by how relaxing & undemanding the job was.

so I spent some time reading the books on my desk. they were three huge old tomes, varying in age. one seemed to be my antique copy of Paradise Lost, another was an incredibly old medieval manuscript, faded & almost falling apart. I was eating some orange food (pasta?) & got some on the cover of one book, which made me feel guilty & stupid. I wiped it off. it was a thick white hardcover with lettering on the front in blue & a really long title. the author was C.S. Lewis, & the title said something about an inner journey - the first few pages had content, but then they went starkly blank, intended for use as a journal. I flipped through the pages & found that some time years ago I had foolishly filled them out with math problems. I was baffled & saddened to find this, along with some rare snippets of actual thoughts & feelings a much younger me had written. I kept rereading one sentence, but found it incomprehensible & schizophrenic. What the hell had I even been talking about? I asked this aloud, but the coworker leaning over my shoulder had nothing to offer & nothing to say. I closed the book, felt a little guilty about not getting any work done, & decided to stop reading (I thought I REALLY should have been doing more actual work on my first day) to go dust

I was sitting on an inner balcony of the library (it overlooked the first floor of the library, with a wooden railing), next to a bright orange clutch bag someone had left on the table. the woman it belonged to quickly showed up to retrieve it, a black woman in a glittering red dress. I didn't see her face but I knew she was beautiful. I looked away, out from the balcony as she took her orange clutch & said something to me in the richest, warmest voice.

"I didn't want to seem like I was looming over it," I told her, & laughed awkwardly. she laughed, too

she picked up my glasses that I had left on the table & I protested, "I don't look good in those!", but she put her hand under my chin, lifting my face up, forcing me to look at her, even though I struggled, I didn't want to. I was ashamed of my appearance & I felt unworthy of seeing her.

but I submitted to it, & out of nowhere she leaned in & kissed me deeply. I had no chance to react before it was already happening. it lasted a long time. there was a taste to her lips that wasn't entirely pleasant, but it didn't matter, it felt incredible & indescribable. she kept holding my chin as she kissed me. I could feel my entire body blooming with glowing, radiant pleasure & disbelief. I kissed back, after a shocked delay, but I felt clumsy & undeserving. I tried to puzzle out why she was doing this. for me? why me? could she tell I needed it? could she tell it would change my life, & this is what she wanted to leave behind? was she an angel? I wanted to see her. I opened my eyes

and then I woke up -_-. I never did get around to dusting or doing any actual work. the end

April 25, 2024

Everyone on the surface was raptured, but a society of people living in tunnels survived/were left behind. They were filthy, living in the dark, and inevitably running out of food. In the universe of the dream, it was presented as this guy's art project. It was vulgar and edgy but not really in a way that appealed to me. Loud and ugly and hopeless. It was like a TV show, with various 'problem of the week' shenanigan plots coming up. One plot was about the tunnels flooding. Then a plot about a group of outsiders (raiders?) who had somehow survived, coming to take over the tunnels. On the outside of the tunnels was an endless sea, like the entire Earth had been flooded. A golden sunset gazed down. At this point, Jesus floated down from the sky with a balloon. I think it was purple.

In a separate dream, I had an honest conversation with my mother, and we came to a bizarre agreement that if she ever had an affair, I wanted to know as little about it as possible.

There are probably reasons I dreamed both of these things that I don't really feel like writing down.

April 24, 2024

I spawned an innocent flying creature and decided it annoyed me, so I started beating it to death. Before I could kill it, it transformed into my dog. I don't feel great this morning, but she did crawl into bed with me and lick my face before we both fell back asleep.

April 10, 2024

i woke myself up from a dream this morning, some absurd scenario was playing out & i said to my mom "this doesn't make any sense, because we're in a DREAM" but then i felt a profound sense of danger from having said that to her & in a panic i immediately forced myself awake

February 25, 2024

i dreamed about fighting hatsune miku on a roof (she was evil)

February 19, 2024

I was at some stranger's house. My aunt was there, who I've grown separated from. She kept accidentally hurting me, knocking me over on accident, bruising me. Eventually I broke down and collapsed into horrible sobs in front of everyone. I woke up still sobbing

a different dream was a movie about a guy who had given up on life and decided not to get out of the bathtub one day, so his mother started taking care of him in the bathtub. he was insane and hallucinating, and he lived in this shithole apartment infested with filth and crime. across the hall was another room full of people. everyone had a knife, and they were all backstabbing each other. a woman in this room was hiding inside the cushions of a couch, and she sent the man in the bathtub a telepathic message. the man hallucinated a singing cat on the ceiling who told him this was all in his head, his parents had placed him in an asylum and he'd been staying there for months.

February 17, 2024

I signed [vampire OC] up for something and people complained about his presence as though he were infamous and inescapable.

Drew Gooden, someone I haven't thought about in many moons, was being given a piano lesson by Sergei Rachmaninoff, who had an epic beard. I was disappointed to look him up and discover he didn't actually have an epic beard. anyway he kept playing that piano part from Erlkonig over and over.

the other part of the dream was about life lessons at the local college. some of these were were things that really would have helped me that no one ever told me, or that I failed to internalize. most of it seems obvious: "I have no obligation to conform to stereotypes about any group I might be a part of. even if certain things about my group are true generally, these things don't have to apply to me." my parents actually did tell me basically this when I was a teenager but in the dream it was a whole class with units & lectures. there was also "I have dignity and I am deserving of decent treatment regardless of whether I receive it."

also my friend H who I haven't spoken to since high school was there & she went into the bathroom with me. nothing else interesting happened

January 31, 2024

There were fingernails in my mouth and I had to keep spitting them out. This dream is reoccurring.

April 30 2019

i was old and living day to day. i’d never done anything with my life, just sat around in the house

so [...] had never come home and we’d never gone traveling. and old me was dying

[...] wanted to come see me and go travel with me but i was too fragile and sick to get out of bed

and so i was...wanting to die as soon as i could so maybe i could be reborn, meet [...] in another life, and we could do all the things we didn’t do

March 23, 2016

I had a dream my dad died last night. It was so unrealistic looking back on it - in the dream I had hallucinations and for whatever reason my mom didn't tell anyone in the family...?

We went to the mall instead, where I sobbed and begged to go home. For some reason there was a chapel inside of the mall...? Except it was just pews with no walls or anything. I remember questioning at some point in the dream, 'Is this a dream?!' but telling myself 'No, it feels too real...'